Guest Blog Post from Hannah - Due 18th November 2011

My OUR pregnancy journey

Just trying to find the words to tell another person about the last 7 months is overwhelming in itself – it has been emotional to say the least! I want to start by saying this has by no means my own journey but one I have shared not only with my partner but everyone I love. It has been and is the least lonely experience of my life and for that I am truly grateful. 

I found out I was actually pregnant on 16th March 2011 – I had suspected for a week - I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. We were not planning a family but I was certainly broody. Ed (my partner) had just left the army and we had dropped from a comfortable income to struggling to pay the bills. We had handed in notice on our beautiful home and had unmanageable debt coming out of our ears. The idea of facing the fact I was pregnant was far too much in the midst of this – I felt terrified and like I had already let our little person down before he/she had even formed its first heartbeat. But equal and almost more powerful to that fear was sheer delight. We were going to have a baby and we knew we were in love with her or him already – and if we couldn’t give it material items we could give it all the love in the world. 

From then on I learnt the first major lesson of pregnancy – everyone tells you what you know… no one tells you what you don’t know. 

You are sure to be told: You will never sleep again, it will cost you a fortune, prepare for the mood swings and you will get fat. And yes many of the clichés are true but you never really appreciate the depth of those ‘when I was pregnant stories’. I had morning sickness, tiredness all the usual. I coped by eating what I wanted and keeping cereal bars in my bag and by my bed. I hate cereal bars now but they got me through.

But for me it was all the things I felt no one had prepared me for… I don’t know if it is that no one tells you this or it’s just that this is my story and so it is different for everyone but in my  first trimester  I swung around a vast variety of feelings from excitement and being so content that life could not provide me with anything more but the contrast or panic and wondering if I was ready, able, old enough to be a mother – to care and be responsible for this tiny person and what no one ever said  is that it was totally OK to feel all those things and that it does not make me a bad person or a potential bad mummy… because the day I went for that first scan and we saw our  tiny little creation on the big screen all those doubts and fears vanished instantly. Right there in that cramped dark hospital room was my family, the new unit that would now define my very existence.  Both Ed and I cried and watched in silence and awe. 

Not only did I fall in love with our little creation but I fell in love with Ed all over again. I was so glad to be next to the man I love and to have created this together. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.

By the 2nd trimester the word was out to all – I had shown everyone who\ would look - my scan picture - our babe, made a list of everything we needed and had decided names. Our situation had improved dramatically, we had found a new home, consolidated our debts and Ed had a stable job. Things were still so tight for us though with the big drop in income but somehow it made every relationship in our life stronger. Friends and family rallied around us and gave us what they could – we inherited a travel system, bags of beautiful clothes, toys and books. We knew this baby was going to have a lot of love in its life. I am telling you this bit because I always thought that these sort of out comes only happen in the films – well they happen in reality and I look up every day and say thank you, I know the ‘happy ever after’ doesn’t happen for everyone but whatever the universe throws at you, when you know you have another person to be responsible for then you somehow find a way out

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Physically the morning sickness had eased and I had a new energy! I was also glowing. I had been warned about the mood swings – but here I was again unprepared for quite how much pressure goes on a relationship. In 2 years me and Ed had never rowed – we have squabbled and bickered but never a row. Here we were 4 months pregnant screaming at each other at 2 a.m.! Ed had no idea who this woman was and I had no idea why he didn’t get me. The next day we sat together and laughed… that’s all we could do because it had all been so pointless. We identified that what had made us such a great couple is that we both loved to party - socialising and having a few drinks was how we had fun. We recognised that we couldn’t do that at the moment. We needed to find new ways to have fun. And we did! The most important lesson from this was that we knew how to communicate and if you ever have to invest in your relationship now is the time because – if anything – only going to get harder once she arrived.

Everyone was and is so supportive and tolerant of me all the changes I was facing where as Ed kinda got forgotten. No one had spotted how much his life had changed in 2 years. From never having had a relationship, disposable income, complete freedom, girls falling at his feet – to being in love, with bills, working weekends and every hour available, with his own family on the way. It was time Ed was cut some slack and I think verbalising that helped. And him knowing that I missed our old life really helped too. So there it was; find a new way to have fun, laugh at the ridiculousness of the arguments and talk – never hide your problems under the carpet most importantly be prepared to look at life through his glasses. 

Ed was really hoping for a boy – I tell people it is because he wanted to call him Jack Daniel after his favourite drink – he denies this! Everyone kept asking me what do you want... easy…  ‘a healthy baby’ I wasn’t at all bothered. The 2nd Scan wasn’t as emotional as the first – but still hugely exciting because it would make it so real for everyone. The lady told us our baby has no boy bits – we can only assume that means we are having a girl. We had our name picked already – Sophie Elizabeth and she is due to arrive 18th November. We bounced out of the hospital and rang my dad and Ed’s mum. It’s my dad’s first grandchild so I don’t think it had really sunk in. When I told him it was a girl I heard the shift in his thinking – he went out that afternoon and bought her some gorgeous outfits.

My body is now changing dramatically – but what I didn’t expect was how much I love it! I have always had a curvy figure and always hid my tummy but now I loved wearing tight clothes as my bump shows more and I look pregnant rather than over weight. I also now love cleaning I seem to hate mess. I have always been a messy person – in fact one of the first times Ed told me he loved me was after he found a random onion rolling around my bedroom. Having been in the army he was always the tidy one – now I drive him mad with the hoover! I believe they call this nesting. 

I am now midway through my third trimester. My anxieties have changed yet again. I wake up now in the night panicking – I have never had anything to lose before and now I can’t believe I have everything I have ever dreamed of. The journey over the last few months has been intense, not only because of the pregnancy but realising the strength of my relationship with Ed, how many wonderful friends we have and the fact that we have come through a hugely uncertain period in our life financially and we now have a home we love and will be happy to bring Sophie back to once she has arrived. I have 6 weeks left to go. I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been and I am terrified because I can’t believe I can be this blessed. 

The labour?…. No I am not scared about the labour – I don’t listen to anyone else’s version of events – the labour will be my own and it will be a long and as painful as it has to be to bring her into the world. She has to come out after all – it’s like going on a roller coaster for me – once the carriage starts to move I can’t get off so just get through it. Speaking of labour I have to go and pack my hospital bag… better get a waddle on! 

(I would love to take this chance to say a couple of thank yous to all the people who have supported Ed and myself in particular Jill & Maddie Corfield for being hugely generous and kind and really looking out for us, Amanda and  Gary for the hand me downs and all the support and advice,  All our close friends Lynsey, Lauren, Koo, Sian, Holly, Ryan, Jo and Beef who have embraced this pregnancy and helped us see how much love our baby girl will be surrounded by and our new friends Lee and Johnny who have been lots of fun and so kind since we met. Lesley and Peter for Sophie’s bed and their abundance of love. Doris – Ed’s mum – for helping us build a stock of baby grows and my daddy who, as always, has looked after me – you will be the best granddad in the world)